Somedays I forget that I live across the world. Thousands of miles away from home. Almost half a day ahead of most of my friends and family. It is weird to think that this transition has occurred in me. 2 months ago at the start of this journey I didn't know if I would ever get to this point. Where life here was normal, normal enough to forget that it is "abnormal". But we have made it. Half way. In about 8 weeks I will be headed back to America. At this point, that is a transition I am not ready to make, and both Anna and I are fearful about the returning home process.
As I sit here I am thinking back on all that I have experienced and learned in the last 9 weeks and it is almost too much to process. I am thankful that I heeded my pastor's advice before leaving about journaling. Journaling is a new process for me, but if you are not a journaler I would highly recommend it. It has allowed me to capture so much of my experience here and really dwell on all that the Lord is teaching me. Never in my life have I been so dependent on the Father for survival, and thinking back to my first week or two in the city I can see His hand all over that process. He has taught me to love a people who are sometimes hard to get to know, He has shown me the vastness of the Need here, He has made me discontent with ever going back to normal, He has made me rely on Him in ways I never knew before, He has shown me that I can be completely fulfilled in being in love with Him. He has left me wanting more.
Many times when I am on public transportation I look around and see the many faces that are packed onto the car with me and often the thought crosses my mind "Does anyone here know Jesus?" The answer is most likely no. I was listening to the song "What a Miracle" by David Crowder the other day while traveling and one of the lines in the song is "What a miracle, You come for all, to save us all away. What a miracle, you come for all, to lift us from the grave." And I felt like shouting it. While on the bus with a bunch of people who don't speak English. I wanted to shout "Don't you see! Can't you see! He came for you! He died for you!" The need is so great. I am so small. And somedays it just feels like not enough people care.
Over the last week and a half Anna and I were here helping a team during their stay in the city. During a portion of their trip we traveled with them throughout the country. It was a fun experience that I was blessed to be a part of. We had a tour guide with us and throughout the trip we were able to get to know him a little. Come to find out he is a believer! It was really exciting to meet him and we hope to spend more time with him before we leave. On the very last night of the trip Anna and I asked him if we could hear his story about how he met Jesus. What a story. The whole time he was talking I was making mental notes and trying to soak up every detail so I could remember it later. Because of his conversion to Christianity his best friend has stopped talking to him and his dad kicked him out of the house. Him and his dad have not spoken for months. One thing that he said to us while sharing his story was
"I know that it will be hard for me but Jesus died for me. What do I have to give?"
I can't remember the last time I have met someone so intense about Christ. He GETS IT. He went into a relationship with Jesus KNOWING he will be rejected for his faith. KNOWING that people will not understand. KNOWING that he may be despised and hated for his faith in the Creator. Willing to risk parts of his life because he understands the magnitude of Christ's sacrifice. He stands in the face of hatred and says "What do I have to give?" It has been days since I sat on a boat with our tour guide and heard his story and I am still processing this statement "What do I have to give?"
Reality is: NOTHING I HAVE TO GIVE IS BIG ENOUGH.
No sacrifice I could ever make, my comfort, my joy, my family, my money, my friends, my breath, could compare to His sacrifice. I tell myself otherwise. My flesh is foolish. It tells me that I am worth it, that I am righteous, and good and WORTH it. I, Sarah, am a woman of God and therefore, I must be worth it, right? I am obedient. I love the Lord. I give up stuff. I am worth it. I am not as sinful as 'them'. Foolishness.
Lord, reform my thoughts.
Beat my pride until it is a bloody pulp.
Break me if you must so that all people will see is You.
What do I have to give?
"None compares to you. None compares to you. There is none like you. Holy. Holy. God Almighty."
David Crowder, "God almighty, none compares"
Thank you - you always give me things to think about in your blogs. Thanking God for you. LT
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