Life Update

Blogging- what a great way to convey your thoughts, feelings and emotions to the people that are important to you. I have been home from camp for a little over 2 weeks now and every single day since I have been home I have contemplated and pushed aside this idea of writing a blog. Well, today is the day. I have vowed to myself that I will not leave this chair until I have written and published this blog. So, excuse the poor writing.

It’s going to be a long one… prepare your heart.

To start I would just like to say that my summer spent in Glorieta as Site Director was more than I could have hoped for or imagined. It was potentially the most challenging job I have ever been asked to shoulder and yet one of the most rewarding. The Lord taught me how to trust Him to be my portion. In the midst of the chaos that is sometimes camp I could see Him and feel His presence and peace. He was my Sustainer and Provider. I learned a lot. I watched my staff grow and be molded to be more like Christ and take those things to the students they were leading. They made me proud each and every day. I was privileged to watch Life Change happen daily. To watch the Lost walk into the LIGHT for the first time. I made great friends and formed lifelong relationships. The Lord taught me to be the background, and to be OK with it. I am not even sure how the Lord plans to use my time as Site Director in my life, but I trust that He will. It was a fantastic summer and I long to be back in that place often.

Since being home let’s just say it has been a roller coaster of emotions. I will try to spare you many of the details but here is a portion of my story.

Prior to going to camp the Lord and I struggled through a few things in my life. During my time in Turkey the Lord confirmed time and again in my heart my desire to be a wife and a mother. Everywhere I looked I saw this example of ministry and my heart longed for that to one day be me. I knew that my calling into ministry in 2009 was to be a full time support role for my future husband as we entered into ministry together. I was more than content with that, but there was always part of me that questioned the Lord. Asking Him where this man was and how this task was going to be played out in my life. Desiring to be obedient to the Lord’s call to ministry in my life and yet lacking a husband to be paired with that ministry I began to ask myself how I could be obedient to the call in the interim. Enter my decision to begin applying to go back to school, specifically North Greenville University in South Carolina. This became the plan. And, if you know me at all you know how I am about plans. I need them. I am a planner at heart. While the Lord has worked on me in this area, immensely, I still struggle with it at times.

North Greenville. Done. Plan made. Move forward. I was getting excited about this new chapter in my life; however, it was something that quickly got pushed to the background of life. Site Directing, camp, life became more important and took up more of my time. So much so that once I had made this big life decision I really felt no need to bring it before the Lord again. Lesson learned, yes. Camp happened. Life was crazy for months. School was going to be happening. Throughout my summer I never asked Jesus about school. Fail.

Enter Zach. Zach and I spent the summer together. He was on my staff, so I was his boss, meaning I never thought of him as more than a good friend. For costume night Zach was Fred and I was Wilma. Zach was one of my best friends on staff and we were around each other often. I enjoyed his company and just getting to know him and his heart. We spent a couple months together of intense ministry. Seeing each other at our best and worst. Getting to know each other’s hearts for current and future ministry. To make a fairly long story short toward the very end of the summer we realized that we had feelings for each other that exceeded both of our expectations. Since camp, Zach and I have started dating with intent to be married.

I am blessed beyond measure.

When I got home these two pieces of my life collided. The Lord wrecked me. How did my plans for being single meet up with this piece of the puzzle that the Lord had dropped into my life? Upon getting back to Vegas, I was a restless mess. This idea of all the school paperwork piled up on my desk waiting to be handled could only be compared to a tiger hiding in my room waiting to pounce on and devour me. Where were these feelings coming from? Was the Lord asking me not to go? Could He possibly be changing my plans to match His? I couldn’t handle such an abrupt changing of everything I had planned. Everything I thought was going to happen, everything I had planned the Lord was tearing down. Why hadn’t I been consulting my Jesus about this all summer? The most ridiculous part of it all was that Zach is the answer to the prayer I have been praying for years. For the husband that I have longed for, who will always love Jesus more than he loves me. Who will lead me and our family in the ways of the Lord. We share a heart for ministry that can only be explained by the Lord’s divine hand.

Everything was falling into place in the way that the Lord had tried to show me it would, and yet still I fought. Yet, still I questioned.

After several, several days of restless praying. Of crying with Jesus. Of seeking Godly counsel, I have come to some decisions.

I am not going back to school. Vegas is home for now until the Lord tells me it is time to move. While Zach works towards finishing his degree we will both be working and saving money for our future.

For marriage, and life and working in ministry together.

No, contrary to some people’s belief, I am NOT engaged.

Is it crazy? Maybe. Obedience often is. Obedience sometimes looks crazy from the outside looking in. Sometimes even from the inside looking out. Messy, not planned, out of your hands, sometimes not making sense to anyone around you.

Requiring faith.

We are jumping into the great unknown. There are a lot of unanswered questions.

But, I am not alone.

Watching the pieces of the puzzle called life fall into place in the Lord’s perfect timing. Trusting that He loves me and knows me more than I know myself.

The Lord has big plans, of this I am sure.