Steps

It's time for healing time to move on

It's time to fix what's been broken too long

Time make right what has been wrong

It's time to find my way to where I belong

There's a wave that's crashing over me

All I can do is surrender

 

Whatever you're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos somehow there's peace

It's hard to surrender to what I can't see

But I'm giving in to something heavenly

 

Time for a milestone

Time to begin again

Revaluate who I really am

Am I doing everything to follow your will?

Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?

So show me what it is you want from me

I give everything I surrender...

 

Time to face up

Clean this old house

Time to breathe in and let everything out

That I've wanted to say for so many years

Time to release all my held back tears

 

Whatever you're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but I believe

You're up to something bigger than me

Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but now I can see

This something bigger than me

Larger than life something heavenly

Something heavenly

 

These lyrics mark a milestone in my life, a time in which God began to stir up new feelings in my heart. I thought it a good idea to sit down and write down a portion of my journey up to this point.

When I graduated highschool I was so confused about who I was. What I wanted, who I wanted to become and how to get there seemed like such monstrous questions that I did not want to tackle. Didn't know how to tackle. Looking back the six months following my highschool graduation were some of the most depressed months of my life. Then college started, classes got underway and week by week it slowly got easier. I wanted to become something. I wanted to be a powerful business woman. Possibly move up in the bank. I was going to get my degree in business. Things were going fine. It was taking me a little longer than most to finish up some of my classes but overall things were great and I was hoping to move to UNLV soon. In the fall of 2008 I remember enrolling for classes at CSN and shortly after having a meltdown. The Lord had been working on my heart, changing my perspective. I was restless. Suddenly the things I wanted no longer seemed to matter; I was realizing that this dream was mine alone. Not His. I was panicking. My goals seemed futile. I dropped all my classes. I remember driving home from school and the above song came on. And it was just perfect; God played that song for me. And I wept, and I sang the words in the song, "So show me what it is you want from me. I surrender" and I meant it.

So I was left with a free semester. What was I going to do with that time? I was good friends with a lady at my church, ChrisAnn, who was involved with our church's brand new food pantry ministry. A ministry that just happened to be something that took place on Thursdays, a day I now had free due to my change in schedule. I started working with the ministry, and now 2 years later I co-lead it. During this time, the Lord began to break my heart for hurting people, for lost people, for people who were desperate. Something that may not have been cultivated in me otherwise. He began to develop me into a leader. He humbled me. I grew to depend on Him more than I ever had.

Next came summer camp in the summer of 2009. A camp which I wasn't even supposed to go to. A mission trip that fell through that "just happened" to be at the same time as summer camp for our youth allowed me to go as a sponsor to FUGE camps for a week. Life changing. On Thursday night of camp God showed me that I was to be involved in ministry/missions full time. God sealed the deal. He showed me where He wanted me. He gave me courage to say yes, even when I only knew step one. Which was to apply. To go. Where? I didn't know, and it didn't really matter. I was called to obey and I wanted to. Last summer was one that I will always look back at as a time of great personal and spiritual growth. Possibly the first time I have fallen in love with Jesus. Yes, I have loved the Lord for many years. But last summer I fell in love with Him.

I still don't know step two. And that's ok. I am going and trusting Him to provide step two when it's time. Looking back over the last few years, it is incredible where God has brought me. Where He has brought me from and what He has made me into. I am so excited to see and experience step one. And then step two. A few weeks ago I was at a Sanctus Real concert. One of their last songs was the above song "Whatever You're Doing". As they played I just stood there in awe of my Creator who loves me enough to have a plan for me and is showing me that plan one step at a time.